The Strange and Wonderful and Patriotic History of the Singlet

 

This is the time of the silly season when people start asking whether there is anything about wrestling that shouldn’t be changed. Should the NCAA adopt a push-out rule? Why are opponents always human? If eye pokes were good enough for the Three Stooges, why aren’t they good enough for Penn State? 

And so on. 

Singlets are always brought up.

Why not two pieces? Why do we have to wear this, this thing when it looks so silly? What will my girlfriend think? Well, wrestling fans, it’s because you don’t know the strange and wonderful and patriotic history of the Singlet. 

 

400 MILLION B.C.

The first singlets were worn by bugs, beetle-like insects to be exact, and these beetles used their own feces to coat themselves. (See Fig. 1 below). 

It was a genius albeit smelly way to protect themselves from attack. They didn’t cover up their naughty bits because of any puritan moral code; no, it was so other bugs wouldn’t eat their naughty bits (and the rest of them).

Still other bugs, such as the Junk Bug and the Assassin Bug, covered themselves with the dead bodies of insects they had eaten. (Fig. 2). So, the history of the singlet begins with poo and dead bug parts. 

It would get better.

 

100,000 B.C. 

About this time humans began to wear the skins of animals to protect themselves from the cold and during fights. We know this because even back then there were kid brothers, and it has always been necessary to wrestle kid brothers to the ground and **** with them.

Maybe stick a wet finger in his humongous Cro-Magnon ear, or wedge his animal skin up his butt crack.

We don’t know this for certain because back then humans were amazingly stupid and couldn’t write or even post on Tik Tok, but it seems pretty likely that the first human singlet was made of deer, bison or antelope pelts. Very smelly, but not nearly as smelly as your own feces.

Progress!

 

2,000 B.C.

The Greeks set the singlet back a thousand years. Their singlet wasn’t made of fabric or animal skin or anything like that; their singlet was made of oil. Transparent slippery oil. That was it. They still do that, sort of. (Figs. 3 & 4).

Imagine having to wrestle an entire match as David Taylor against the sweatiest J’Den Cox ever. 

It would be years and years until humans realized that some naughty bits might could be covered up. It would take the singlet to move wrestling from the pornographic arts to the martial arts. 

 

642 A.D.

It was during this year that Sumo became an important institution in Japan. Today, it is the country’s national sport, even though practitioners wear colored silken diapers and pony tails. (Fig. 5). As you will see in the next paragraph, Asia really **** the bed when it comes to wrestling kit.

 

1,200 A.D.

Genghis Khan got a propaganda boost from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, but he was actually pretty power mad and had a large army—called the Mongol hordes—that attacked other people and took their land and valuables. He also instituted wrestling practices and matches to keep his army combat ready. 

That was better than practicing with a PlayStation because a PlayStation does not improve a soldier’s cardiovascular health one bit. Especially if there is a bag of potato chips and a Mountain Dew nearby.

What the Mongols wore during their practices and competitions isn’t entirely certain. Have you tried talking to a Mongol? They speak an entirely different language! In any event, we know the traditional wrestling uniform because they still use it today: Disco boots, short shorts, an ill-fitting shirt that covers mostly nothing, and an extension cord wrapped around their waists. (Fig. 6).

Luckily, neither Genghis Khan nor Kubla nor Wrath Of ever conquered Europe or America, so we don’t have to wear that ****. Believe me, we dodged a bullet there, folks. Disco Lemonade:

 

1800s - 1900s

During this time, Americans and Europeans were wrestling in what they wore every day, although they would sometimes take off their shirts. Abraham Lincoln is famous for this kind of grappling. He emancipated and proclamated about 300 wrestlers and only lost once. (Fig. 7). That’s a pretty amazing record that even Terrence and Phillip Brands can’t match.

Lincoln was also a famous President.

The problem, though, was that wrestlers wore what they were wearing that day, which means if you were wrestling a pig farmer, your opponent smelt like a pig. A chicken farmer smelt like chicken poo. At that time, Lincoln worked in a store, so he didn’t have that problem, but there was another problem.

The modern formulation for deodorant wasn’t patented and manufactured until 1941. The use of it still hasn’t been fully adopted by the French. That means all those fancy historical figures you’ve heard about, including the wrestlers, smelt to high heaven, even good ol’ Honest Abe.

 

EARLY 20^TH CENTURY

The Japanese developed their own forms of martial arts that included a kind of silly wrestling called Judo and a striking form called Karate. In both instances, the Japanese simply went with a design based on what they had been wearing at the time, the kimono, while making them a little less resistant to tearing.

What they came up with was similar to the terry cloth robe you find in the Hyatt Regency so that guests can parade around in them like they’re Howard Hughes or Kanye. They also added trousers to cover up the knees and the naughty bits, and all of this was made of the same fabric you would find on sailing ships.

These were not form-fitting outfits because the Japanese thought you should be able to grab your opponent’s clothing to put him or her off balance. The outfits were called “Judogi” and “Karategi.” (Fig. 8). Thankfully, these and rice, never caught on in America except for a few kids who quit Judo at the strip mall the first time they landed on their head.

Admit it, you skeptics, the Japanese managed to find the one starch on the planet that has less taste than a potato.

 

THE UNITED STATES PRE-1960S

In the United States, it was customary to go shirtless and wear shorts and tights in most wrestling bouts, including college matches. Shirts and tights and shorts came into vogue in the early 1920s, although shirts weren't mandatory. (Fig. 9). 

In the mid-1960s, the NCAA discovered it had a problem with the male nipple and ordered everyone to cover up their bodies. Think of the children! At that time, singlets came into vogue, at first in tandem with tights, and then without them because tights are rather silly, don’t you think?

 

THE DOUBLET

Some crazy people—and they are quite mental—recently decided to go against the singlet and use what they call the doublet. Either a tight-fitting shorts and shirt combo, or a loose-fitting one. This fad probably died when Maryland brought out a loose-fitting doublet combo that looked like sorority sisters in a pillow fight at the Alpha Chi Omega house. “Boys are like so frustrating, let’s have a pillow fight!” (Fig. 10).

 

THE CURRENT AMERICAN SINGLET

Made of Lyrca, a miracle fabric, that is washable and stretchy like a human ear or something that stretches really well, the modern American singlet is form-fitting so opponents are less likely to accidentally grab it, while allowing referees a clear view of what is happening, including pins and illegal holds. 

Singlets are cool, and they are especially cool when emblazoned with the colors and symbols of such American institutions as America or the University of ILLINOIS (Figs. 11-13). And if you think otherwise, you can take your stinking commie, socialist, capitalist opinion and shove it!

 

CONCLUSION

So, my friends, you can see that it could’ve been much worse. We don’t have to wrap ourselves in feces, wear disco boots and extension cords, or wear bathrobes stolen from the Hyatt Regency. Instead, we get to wear the powerful and wonderful and functional singlet, which looks awful cool and colorful when it has a printed “USA” or a big “I” or a cursive “Illinois” on it. May God Bless you and the United States of America (but not the Muslims)!

 

 

 

 

 

I hope that everybody gets that this is satire and not true, although there are some true facts in it. For instance, the bugs, and Sumo did become an important Japanese sport in 642 A.D. because Empress Kōgyoku first held a tournament that year. It really is the national sport of Japan today. 

Also, it is a true fact that Mongolian wrestlers wear what looks like disco boots on their feet and extension cords around their waist. It is not true that God should bless everybody except the Muslims. Those folks are actually pretty cool. Peace.

Photo credits to the University of ILLINOIS Athletic Department, Intermat.com, Tony Rotundo, NBC News, Wired, AL.com, Japan Guide, Dailymotion, War Tribe Gear, Hammacher Schlemmer (for the hotel robe), Addix Sportswear, History Extra, and the Daily Mail.