The Adventures of Jombo and Why Paintball Is Unfair

THE ADVENTURES OF JOMBO

We are selling this wonderful piece of Iowa Hawkeye wrestling history as an NFT for the LOW, LOW price of ten million dollars (US). That's right, we are slashing our prices by 99%. What used to be one billion dollars (US) is now only ten million dollars (US). 

And what a conversation starter!

For example, in bankruptcy court when the bankruptcy judge asks you why you spent so much money on such a foolish purchase. Or, when your spouse brings up this item during divorce proceedings. You can simply tell them: Nothing shouts "class" more than paying a ridiculous amount of money for a piece of crap. So, don't wait! Call now! Operators are standing by! 

THE ART OF PAINTBALL

Sun Tzu has thirteen chapters in his epic book The Art of War. There are admonitions to know your enemy, know yourself and on and on for hundreds of pages. In paintball, on the other hand, there is only one maxim: Be Small. 

Look at Matt Wroblewski's chest. Compare that chest to Sammie Hayes's. Wrobocop looks like he's wearing an abstract painting, while Hayes is wearing a blank canvas. 

Here's where we prove our case using Math and Science. 

We can estimate that Wroblewski is 6-2 and about 215 pounds of walking-around weight. Sammie Hayes we'll say is 5-7 and 135 pounds.  Using a body surface calculator, we can determine that Wrobocop has as much surface to his body as 24.44 feet squared. On the other hand, Sammie has a high of 18.56 feet squared. 

Smaller person, smaller target obvi. Unfair! 

Now this is going to devolve into a bit of a rant because this always pissed me off. Whether it was in my high school or college wrestling room or in the Army, I always had to do the same pushups as the little people. Since I'm 6-4 with a very long reach, the distance I had to push up or pull up was sometimes 3x or more greater than our 98 pounder. 

There was this very short dude in the Army who only had to push up about 3 inches, while I had to push up 18 inches. It honestly looked like that fellow was twerking when he was doing pushups. 

So, take heart, Matt Wroblewski and Isiah Pettigrew! You were cheated. The wee folk done you wrong. They should have marked off 4 to 6 square feet of your body as a "no count zone."   /End Rant

photo credit: Coach Mike Poeta's Twitter feed